www.topherkris.com

Oh notgraphs, you do me good.

To you, Holland may be a country

between Belgium and Germany.

Wooden shoes and Amsterdam benders

with booze, hashish, and prostitutes.

 

To me, Holland is a lefty;

fastball between 93 and 96.

Baby faced, with a pubescent ‘stache

sitting atop his lip like a caterpillar.

 

Is it just his hipster-ironic statement

on how “uncool” he thinks mustaches are?

Or does he drink chocolate milk in the dugout?

(Is Hamilton allowed to have chocolate?)

 

Oh, Mr. Holland, Sunday was your magnum opus.

But all I want to know is

why I expect Chris Hansen to emerge from the ‘pen

whenever I watch you pitch?

 

Perhaps you just rebel, earnestly,

against the restraints placed on you by nature.

Break free from your genetic shackles.

The razor is merely a social construct!

 

Which is only to say:

when life gives you lemons,

egg yolks, and butter,

make Hollandaise.

God, I love that mustache. While following the game on pitch tracker last night, I actually had to put on pants (damn pants)  and socks (damn socks!) and waddle over to Einsteins to watch it.

Except Einsteins didn’t have the game on. Only football. Lame.

This breaks rule number one — or like 17, I’m making this up as I go — of the sporting fan’s rules of order: “Playoffs, regardless of sport, should always take priority.”

I don’t care if it’s soccer, curling, equestrian or table tennis,  if it’s the final match or the final series, they will get watched instead of my most favoritest sport, baseball.

So, thud, thud, thud. I went down to Molly Blooms.

There were maybe 8 people. I considered whether or not me watching the game while ordering but a single drink would be pushing my luck. I decided it would be and went with a half-decent chicken club and a gin and tonic. The Celtic Club to be exact. I pronounced it both “Sell-tik” as in Boston Celtics and “Kell-tic” as in Celtic Languages. I figured I’d cover my bases.

Proper pronunciation, still unknown.

and I watched Mr. Holland absolutely dominate. It was well worth the bill of $16.38 or $21 including tip and I will probably continue this brilliantly devised scheme.