www.topherkris.com

Yanno, I feel like a lot of this shit could’ve been avoided had she told her mother and father that I was moving down there when I gave my two months notice to move out of my apartment.

At that point, Molly and Mark could’ve been like, “Chloe, think about it,” and for once, Chloe might’ve actually thought about it. I asked her to make sure her parents knew I would be paying my fair share of rent, I asked her to make sure that they knew I wasn’t mooching off her.

There were just so many places in those four years where an amicable break-up could’ve occurred. But she had to choose ignorance, and keep begging for me to come down and stay.

And, I’d also like to offer up a royal fuck you to mommabear, who upon hearing that Chloe had cost me a little over 10 grand (who knows how much it’ll cost by the time i get a new apartment and furnish it) responded with…

“you’ve been a great boyfriend, and you know, the economy is better in Canada than in the US”

Fuck, you’re even more condescending that one of Kingwell’s fucking books. By the way, if you haven’t read any of Kingwell’s books, you probably should. Despite the underlying condescension, he makes terrific points on a wide variety of topics. Just make sure to count the times when you think to yourself, “I get it, Kingwell. Now move along. Your audience, myself included, isn’t composed of the kids who shop in the bicycle helmet aisle of Canadian Tire but have never ridden a bicycle in their life.”

At least four out of every five people I know absolutely hate the guy. I’m intimidated by him not because he’s smart as fuck, but instead because he’s got just enough of a chip on his shoulder to necessitate making any and all challengers his complete and utter intellectual bitch. Probably not that bad of a quality to have, really.

Maybe I’ll run into him one day and after he punches me, I’ll run something by him; I’ll tell him the story of Me, Hume and Miss CP. I’d imagine it would go something like this….

Hume: “Is you fuckin’ dat pussy, cause you ought to be”

Me: “I-is, I-is.”

Hume: “You ought to be”

Me: “I ought to be because I is?”

Hume: “no, you ought to be because that some fine-ass tang, right tharrr boy”

Me: “It always was a goal of mine”

Hume: “She ought to be coming by now”

Her: “You only say that because I is”

Me: “Damn right, You ought to be”

Hume: “awkwaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd”

and then, I’ll get punched again. This time with a left, maybe.