www.topherkris.com

Help a brother out. What do you say to the guy that your (ex) girlfriend hit on and then dumped you for without mentioning a word of your four year relationship to him? I’m asking my BROS for advice here.

Well.. this is what i went with (convo after the jump)

September 25
Me

Hi Michael, you don’t know me, but I needed to send you a message. Apparently you and Chloe Puton got to chit-chatting over the weekend, and alas, it was enough for her to end our four year relationship. Chloe asked me to give up my job, my home, and my friends to move down to Boston and decided to call it quits on the Monday after you spoke. Now, I can’t help but think you’re a terrific guy because her taste in men is impeccable, but please for the love of god, don’t fuck with her. As this is so sudden — thursday she’s begging me to come down, Monday she is saying no — I’m still madly in love with the girl so if you want to ask her to reconsider, it’d be AWESOME. I’m obviously joking, but I am dead serious about not hurting her. I really didn’t know how to approach this, but heard you were a software engineer and figured there must be some bro code between code monkeys, thus “touch chloe; mv chloe > /dev/null;” will result in some serious kill -9 action. You must really be a spectacular man. Take care, Kristopher.

September 25
Michael Lanzano
That’s pretty funny… but not, at the same time. Do you have feelings for her? If so i would offer you advice, though I hesitate to empower such a noble competitor. Are you physically imposing? Either way, I must warn you I have a black belt in yoga! I like Chloe a lot, what I know of her, which is still little. And what I know of matters of the heart is that they can be pretty painful as well as joyful but nothing if not informative. I wish I could promise never to hurt Chloe or anyone else for that matter. But I can’t. I do promise however to be open with her and as free of prejudice and outside influence as I can be: if she is the one for me I will let her be the one and if not, to be honest about that when It becomes clear. So while I can’t promise freedom from pain, I promise honesty (you’ll have to take my word on that one;) and to be a kind teacher and friend as I know Chloe will be for me. At the ripe age of 31 and responsible for three jobs and a house i have no time to waste- not that any one us do. I hope I get to meet you one day as you seem pretty terrific yourself! Stay in touch. Yours, Michael

September 25
Me
I appreciate your humour, but I’m 145 soaking wet. The response itself is also appreciated, genuinely and truly. However, I cannot foresee us ever meeting although your politeness is astounding. I cannot imagine asking a friend, let alone a loved one, to commit ten grand and their apartment to move to Boston and then telling them a week or two before the move that they’ve changed their mind. You can be as open and free as you’d like with her; Hell, I talked to her for about 300 combined hours about what asking me to move to Boston entailed, but she still demanded it of me right up until the last minute. I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share of break-ups, but imagine a girl asking you to sell your house and quit your job to move to Canada and then telling you the weekend before that she’s changed her mind. At the very least, you’d want a chance to see her. As for a noble competition, fighting is for chumps and I’d probably just punch you in the groin or hurt myself attempting something that I saw on the Ultimate Fighter. Regardless, there really isn’t a competition, but I wanted to make darn sure you knew that this girl asked me to give up my life for her and I did before she literally changed her mind over a weekend. If I was in your position, I’d simply assume that a break-up was imminent regardless, and thus no harm, no foul. However, our exact conversation before the wedding involved the possibility of meeting someone at an emotional event, a possibility she dismissed before telling me that she loved me. I haven’t seen Chloe since she’s moved to Boston, and I fear that she’s simply craving something new and apparently, that turned out to be you. I’m not trying to make her look bad and I’m certainly not trying to dissuade you, but every last ounce of this shit, specifically the possibility of her meeting someone, was discussed for hours on end before I gave up so much to be with her. I don’t think I’ve ever written a paragraph with so many words of negation but again, Chloe’s tossing away four years without even looking me in the face because you’re new, interesting and attractive (piss off for that one, eh.) Finally, thank you for the dignified response and I apologize for not being able to respond in kind. I’m going to crack a beer, stick my hand under my belt, and watch the Giants while pretending that I’m living in the misogynistic world that is Fox’s brand new smash hit, Married With Children.

September 25

Michael Lanzano

oh my. I thought you were joking about all that. that’s how i read your initial note: that you were a concerned friend! and i was certainly joking about fighting. i really am into yoga which pretty much forbids that. i’m about to run into to a job. will write later. i’m so sorry.

September 26

Me
THE INTERNETZ IS SERIOUS BUSINESS! I just wanted you to have an idea of the clusterfuck of a situation that just happened.At this point, I’m not sure if it’s a dickbag thing for me to do, but shit; four years is a long time.

September 26

Michael Lanzano
sure is. long enough maybe? I dated a girl for four years in college. we broke up after school I guess cuz we werent ready to get married. sometimes I think about giving her a second look, but people change, tastes change. at this point I may have exchanged as many words with you as with Chloe, and I really know nothing of your relationship, but space can give a lot of clarity. I agree it’s not really fair of her to give you whiplash like that, but I can only thing you may have dodged some sort of bullet. imagine moving in and then finding out you or she needed to live a little outside of a relationship that has, to date, spanned your entire adult lives! or imagine getting married never knowing another adult relationship. some people think that’s romantic. I don’t get it. I’m sure there’s many silver linings that would sound ridiculous coming from me, but also nothing is permanent. make sure you’re proud of everything you’ve said and done with her (or made up for any lapses). and you’ll have all the options you need in the future. short term my heart goes out to you. A girl made me miserable this spring and I’ll never forget it. the worst part was how I became a lesser version of myself I barely even recognized. my advice focus on yourself, your life, your needs, your actions and don’t worry about her. make a good life for yourself and youll have women raining from
the sky. it only gets easier for us guys! as for reaching out to me, I appreciate it and it’s a good reminder to me that everything has consequences even an innocent conversation. and even the smallest act or glance needs to have intention.

September 26

Me
To be honest, I would rather have moved down and seen that we’d grown apart or something. Job quit, apartment vacated, everything but grabbing a ticket on the bus (I had a lot of stuff so air was out). I’m just having issues with a girl loving me and then having a chat with you and freaking out. I know this is a strange-as-shit explanation, but you don’t send someone that you’re breaking up with nekkid photos 3 or 4 days before you break up with them, because I mean, you know they’re going to get emotional and freak the fuck out. All I wanted was a chance to work this out with Chloe, because I’m totally serious when I say this went from lovey-dovey to, as Bunk would say, “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.” All someone should want is a chance to see that they’ve grown apart rather than watching their girlfriend basically have that so-called 7-year itch and freaking out.

Honestly, you seem like a terrific person and I can’t fault her at all for diggin’ on your stylez but from my perspective, Chloe just freaked out and we never had a chance to work through it.

Your advice is definitely taken to heart but I’m taking this as a little bitch because she waited until I moved into my parents house. Dealing with this shit is tough enough, but it’s even tougher when the girl made sure that you had no friends around, no job to keep you busy or anything else that could be considered a distraction. And obviously, moving back to Toronto and signing another lease is essentially giving up on the relationship.

I’ll end ‘er there and again thank you for being a wonderful person. I can’t imagine more than 1 in 100000 people having the decency to fire back a message. Word. Kris.