Race Relations, Racist Relations?
Number One:
While much of America is enthralled / in-gay-love with CNN’s coverage of President Obama’s first few weeks as president; I’ve reached a clarity regarding the situation. CNN has informed me quite often that, “YES! A Black man can be president” to which I say “YES! A Black man can be bad at basketball”.
Not very athletic, maybe i’ll send him some hydroxycut.
On a related note, I wonder how often President Obama and Tiger Woods get together to discuss how much old white people love them.
Number Two:
Deadspin Beat Me To This By 2 Full Calender Years
Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps are the same person, which leads me to believe that Tomlin will undoubtedly be busy railing that hot lesbian “13″ and forget to motivate his team: Cardinals Win Superbowl!
Really, did deadspin.com seriously post about this a full 2 years ago — I’m upset I didn’t have a blog back then, very upset.
I am however glad that Foreman/Tomlin switches the drugs up and really fucks up thirteen (thank you Fox for the excellent preview). It was a moral and ethical dilemma I was unsure of the answer to, and soon I will know the truuuth.
Number Three:
Got a new camera yesterday, quite special. Very Special. It’s a Sony Alpha 300, and i’m excited to give it a go at some point today during this super-shitty-snowy-canadian-day.
Mr. Oliver P. Fucker (the cat – P stands for Pussy) is coming back from the Vet today, and he has no balls. Like, Gonzo.
I guess this would reduce the risk of Testicular cancer in adolescent cats, which is good.
Number Four
I’m weighing the benefits of being in a relationship while you’re sick. On one hand, if you get sick you can infect someone and they’ll share your misery, which has a crazy-awesome quality about it. Like being the first monkey to have sex with a human and spread the AIDS virus to San Francisco and surrounding area. Little known fact: Even Aids is affraid of Oakland, ask Magic Johnson.
On the otherhand, if they get sick first — it sucks.
Are you Content?
The International Bowl: UConn Huskies vs. Buffalo Bulls vs. Toronto?
December 15, 2008 by kris
Filed under college football, teh funny
Huskies and Bull Secks
Top Ten Inventions That Changed Sport
It’s always being stuck in people, but how did it come to be?
Originally used by the Irish to test the done-ness of their diseased potatoes prior to devouring them with their hands like trained chimpanzees.
The Fork has come to symbolize the four minute mark in a Cincinnati Bengals game.
Top 10 Reasons To Date A Detroit Lions Fan
1. You don’t have to worry about scoring; its going to be quick and easy
Visanthe Shiancoe Helps Fantasy Squads, EVERYWHERE: Giant Black Horse Dong 2.0
So, Vikings owner Zygi Wilf decided to give the game ball to Brad Childress whose son is over in Iraq, fighting terrorists. TERRORISTS. Good Job Zygi!
Problem: Fox’s cameras inside the locker room forgot to tell everyone to put their Giant PENISES away while they filmed the moving speech.
I’m a huge fan of killing terrorists, and giant black horse dongs — so these two were a match made in heaven. Unfortunately, I cannot find a great photo.
Please do not overlook Visanthe Shiancoe’s HUGE fantasy day: 65 Yards and a TD, thats 12 Fantasy points!
Unforunately, here’s the only video i can find:
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from deadspin.com
Be Like Mike: An Open Letter To Mr. Dunleavy.
December 4, 2008 by kris
Filed under Basketball, teh funny
Mike Dunleavy Jr.
C/O Indianapolis Pacers
125 S. Pennsylvania Street
Indianapolis, IN 46204
Read more
“The Man” Angered By Obama: College Football Pays The Price.
Barack Obama asked the American people for change, and they accepted. Then he asked for a BCS Playoff system, which just went too damn far:
“I think it is about time we had playoffs. I’m fed up with these computer rankings and this and that and the other. Get eight teams — the top eight teams right at the end. You got a playoff.”
NFL Superstar: Choose Your Own Adventure
Kareem McKenzie’s recent arrest showcases just how tough it is to be an NFL player. You think you could do better? Choose your path as an NFL Superstar!
You awake from your slumber, and fix yourself a delicious calorie packed breakfast and wash it down with a high-yield protein powder and yogurt smoothie. After flipping through your daily subscription to the Wall Street Journal, you commence your daily routine. First, a stop at the stadium to work out and meet up with the guys. Your body is a temple, and a chiseled physique will keep the endorsement dollars rolling in.
The time roles by, and the day becomes the night. You’ve worked hard all day, and now its time for play. Your agent encourages you getting out there in the public eye, as it increases your income flow. You’re portfolio is under performing, so you figure “why the hell not?”
When you step out of the house you grab:
Makes sense, anything could happen. You get to the club, and it’s one hell of a time. A few fans ask for autographs, and while you’re pissed that people don’t respect your space — it’s all good. You remember what your agent said about being sociable and buy them a drink – cha ching – that’s the sound of money in your bank as you’ve just become the face of the franchise.
Its understandable, everyone needs to relax. On your way to the club, you’re obeying all of the street signals and lights. There’s no way in hell you’re going to get busted with pot, you’ve got too much to lose. Then you see the familiar shine of red and white lights reflecting off your rear view mirror.
-
Get out and boot it! You’re an NFL player, dammit. You can outrun these donut eating pigs.
- You light it up! You can smoke all this shit before the 5-0 gets to your car
You’re now a true NFL superstar. You buy a round for the house! You’re one charitable son of a bitch. Roger Goodell would be proud to see you giving back to the community like this. You and your buddies are supporting the local economy by drinking champagne off strippers asses. You’re a smart man who believes that the economy is based on the trickle-up effect rather than the trickle-down effect. Some of your buddies call you a socialist, but you’re the one with the college degree.
Its 3 AM and only good things can happen now:
- Congratulations, you just spit in a womans face and drink. Good Job, Larry Johnson
- Congratulations, you got Rowdy Rowdy. Good Job, Fred Taylor
- Congratulations, you just got charged with involuntary manslaughter. Good Job, Charles Grant
- Congratulations, you just got nailed with disorderly conduct. Good Job, Kenton Keith
- Congratulations, you just bitch slapped a woman. Good Job, Rocky Bernard
- Congratulations, you just slammed a pole over the bouncer’s head. Good Job, Bryant McKinnie
- Congratulations, you just got arrested in IOWA! Good Job, Matt Roth
- Congratulations, you just got charged with 2nd Degree Assault. Good Job, Gerome Sapp.
- Congratulations, you just broke a Cop’s eyeglasses while resisting arrest. Good Job, Anthony Hargrove
- Congratulations, you just made it rain. Good Job, Adam Pacman Jones
- Congratulations, you just ended your career. Good Job, Mike Mason
- Congratulations, you just smacked a woman upside the head. Good Job, Justin Miller
- Congratulations, you just fought a club’s security team. Good Job, Cedric Griffin
- Congratulations, you just busted someone’s face up. Good Job, Deshea Townsend
- Congratulations, you just scored a fifth degree assault. Good Job, Travis Taylor
You head home only to hear your back door slamming shut. Your live-in girlfriend comes scampering out to the hallway wearing only towel. You politely ask her what is going on, but she stumbles to find an answer.
The situation escalates, and you’re filled with anger. You pull out your 9mm and direct it towards the forehead of that cheating hoe. Unfortunately she calls the police, and you’re arrested.
Congratulations, you’re Patriots DB Willie Andrews
Motley Crue’s GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS comes on and those strip club honeys start dancing and shaking their asses Aphrodite styles, all up in your face. What a wonderful way to relax: a cold beer, some fine ass honeys and all of your friends.
Time flies by and it’s time to peace, but the testosterone has taken hold of you. You’re a beast! You’re 300lbs of Man! You see one of the strippers outside and proposition her, but she refuses. She must not know how famous you are, so you let your gun do the talking.
Congratulations You’re Carolina OL Jeremy Bridges.
The Police officer steps up to your car and sees the marijuana just sitting there. Why didn’t you at least put it in the glove compartment? How did you forget to hide this shit? Did you really think the officer would think that they were just Cigars? You give the officer due respect and get off with just a stern warning.
Congratulations you’re Steelers WR Santonio Holmes
You’re pulling away! Man, you’re fast. What was your 40 time again? Oh shit. You left the 1.875 grams of Marijuana in your car.
Congratulations you’re the Browns Kenny Wright
You hastily spark up your stash. Breathe in, Breathe out. You’re a 300lb man, you can smoke this shit before the Po-Po gets to your door. One more toke, you’re almost there. You’re stoned as all hell but the stash is gone. Unfortunately the officer has two functioning nostrils, and our out of luck.
Congratulations, You’re Mike Patterson of the Philadelphia Eagles
If College Football Were A Blowjob: A Tongue and Cheek Evaluation of the Teams
College, Yah! There are two things that any red blooded, steakeating American male will remember about college; one is the football, the other is blowjobs. Both are infinitely more enjoyable with a cold beer in your hand and sometimes it’s best to just close your eyes and not bother watching. So with our hands clinched around a cold MGD, lets embark on this epic journey.
Alabama
Everyone talks about her as if she’s the best thing since beer in a can, a tall boy can. You remember hearing some cloudy details about her mythical abilities back when you were a freshman but she dropped out and you haven’t seen her in a couple years. Her mom was an 70’s porn star, and your dad probably spanked it to her, so she’s got the pedigree. Needless to say, she’s back in town and its just as amazing as you thought it would be, or was it? Its been a while since you’ve been overwhelmed by the oral ability of a woman and you’re having some issues putting things in perspective. I guess you can wait a few weeks for your trip down to the Georgia Dome to really wrap your mind around it.
Oklahoma
You’ve never heard anything bad about Oklahoma. Anyone who’s ever gotten head from her has praised her skill. She doesn’t even need to do anything special; she’s so damn attractive you’re hard as the LSATs just looking at her. This year is different though, she must have talked to her friends from the all girls private school that is the Big 12. She must have learned some tricks during one of their epic Victoria Secret pillow parties because in addition to just being hot, she’s’ developed some serious skill. Some of your buddies argue that she’s the best out there.
Texas Tech
She used to be just about the gimmicks and kink, but you had to figure they’d eventually get good at slobbering on the salami. While she’s not quite as sexy as the other girls down in Big 12 country, she’s got one hell of a bag of tricks. You’d be enjoying yourself pleased with the experience, and out of nowhere she’d go and start massaging your prostrate and force you to pull her hair. You weren’t all that sure what to do at first so you just went a long with it and you’re glad you did.
Texas
There’s something about Texas, something you cant get out of your head. It was terrific, but something was missing. She’s gorgeous, smart and she’s going places but you get the feeling that she slept walk through it, that’s how good she is. It got a bit sloppy about halfway through, and left you feeling dirty and used. Some people don’t mind sloppy as long as they finish — these people love Texas.
Florida
Florida was gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, every attractive adjective you can think of to describe a woman. Unfortunately, the speed and efficiency at which she operated caused you some serious embarassment. The damn thing was over before it began. No doubt it was amazing, but you pretty much sat there awestruck afterwards while she went on with her day. Your ego was bruised and battered, but goddamn was that terrific.
USC
USC is the “hot girl” that everyone talks about regardless of how she actually looks on any given Saturday. Seriously, sometimes she doesn’t shower for a week, forgets to put on make up, and wears Zubaz LA Rams cut-offs but people still say she’s the hottest girl out there because when she does get dressed up she’s the hottest thing you’ve seen. The blow job was spectacular, but you get the feeling that its not about offense so much as it is about defense. Here’s a girl that’ll blow you so that you stop trying for the poontang and just get out of her hair, not because you’ve earned it. If not for that awkward start where she got too cocky and made a fool of herself by getting a pubic hair caught in her teeth, this would of been the best you had this year.
Utah
Utah or the sneaky hot chick that you’ve sort of kept your eye on for the last couple years but never really made a move. A couple of buddies have raved about her refined skill, but they’ve had like 2 blowjobs between them in their entire life so can you really take them seriously? It’s a hard decision, do you give her a shot? If it’s all hype, you end up wasting a night that you could have spent with someone more reliable like that hottie, Texas.
Penn State
This girl gives fundamentally sound gummers, she’s old reliable. Year in and year out you can go to her and receive the antidote to whatever ails you. There’s nothing special to her, and all of the other girls sat around waiting for her to screw up, and she did. A few weeks ago she was drunk and exhausted — she’d just finished a final after two all-nighters and she needed to blow off some steam so y’all went and grabbed some cold ones. You love this chick because she can go beer for beer with you and she doesn’t drink triple-strawberry-banana-vodka-cream daiquiris, like those prissy bitches down south. Needless to say, she didn’t feel like giving you head but she did it to prove herself. You were both pretty smashed and you’re not sure if it was you or her, but either way you just couldn’t get there.
Ohio State
This was one of your first blowjobs and you were pretty content with her for a couple of years. You pretty much thought you were the luckiest guy and the world, and couldn’t shut up about how awesome she was. All your friends told you that you aint seen shit till you been down south, but you didn’t listen. Eventually you made the trek, and they were right. You still have a soft spot for her in your heart, but you’re totally over that methodically slow blowjob.
Georgia
Georgia was supposed to be the best out there, but she failed to impress. You can’t pinpoint it as she’s got all the tools: she’s beautiful, flashy and talented but DAMN. You know once it gets to the next level and you get her into the sac she’s going to be the best in the country but at this point she cant compete with the other girls. Maybe she was looking ahead?
BYU
Everyone told you that she didn’t give head, but you love a challenge. You wasted a good three weeks of your life, and all you got was a promise ring. A freakin’ promise ring.
Notre Dame
You got a great one from this girl what seems like eons ago. Now she’s into Tori Amos and Emily Dickenson. Its just too much — you dont even want one from her because you know it means you’ll have to listen to her bitch about the glass ceiling for the next three hours. She’s painful to be around, and even more painful to watch.
…First Round Pick Like Michael Vick
The 17 page report prepared by the USDA’s inspector general (investigations unit) came out the other day, only to reveal that Michael Vick is indeed one bad hombre. Vick admitted to choke-hanging dogs with a nylon rope tied to a 2×4 and anchored to a tree. The report also stated, he’d drown them in a bucket or just beat the shit out of them by throwing them at the ground, repeatedly.
“Vick, Peace and Phillips thought it was funny to watch the pit bull dogs belonging to Bad Newz Kennels injure or kill the other dogs.” (report via espn)
As a general rule, I enjoy watching rappers and athletes prove their street cred to the every day Joe, whether its through shooting people, getting shot, or kill-fighting dogs.
New Super Updated Baddest Mofo in The NFL, Ever!
- Rae Carruth Be One Bad Mother Fucker
NUMBER ONE: Rae Carruth (pictured right)
Sometimes when da bitch wont listen you’ve gotta take things into your own hands. When Carruth’s Boo failed to abort their eventual son, Carruth used advanced economics to calculate whether or not the Child Support and alomony would cost him his big NFL Bucks.
He came to the conclusion that it would, and pulled a drive by with some friends peppering his girlfriends car.
Carruth turned himself in, paid the 3 million bail and pinky swore that if his woman, or the baby died he’d turn himself back in.
He didn’t and was found in the trunk of his car somewhere in Tennessee. To keep him company, Carruth also had $3,900 , a cell phone, some candy bars, and bottles to hold his urine.
Number TWO: San Diego Chargers Steve Foley
Steve Foley. True Player For Realz
Steve Foley. True Player For RealzIts pretty hard to put Steve Foley second on this list based solely on his toughness, but he didn’t kill someone — so he’s gotta be number 2.
After attending a dinner where the youngins on the Chargers football squad bought the wiley old veterans grub, Mr. Foley found himself straight up chillin at 3:42am.
The Cops apparently told Steve-o to pull his car over, and when he did Foley was pissed. The officer identified himself, and fired a few warning shots which apparently pissed Steve off, real good like. So Steve started Frankenstein walking towards the cop and said “thats a BB Gun”, until the cop shot him.
and then shot him again
and again. Dear God Steve Foley, stop walking towards this police officer. Steve stop! And Steve gets shot again.
Steve had some issues with the bottle in Cincinnati ’round the 1999-2000 season and had to enroll in the NFL alcohol program. You can read more about Steve here
Number Three: Mike Vick aka Ron Mexico / Herpes R Fun for the Whole Family
ESPN and AP have the latest Mike Vick news. Needless to say, what came out was essentially as follows.
dogfight
dogfightIf a dog bitched out in his pre-fight roll Mike Vick offed the motherfucker by sticking his head in a bucket of water and holding it there. This is terrifying to me, dogs like athletes aren’t always good in practice but they’re terrific in the game. Allen Iverson wouldn’t be great in the prefight roll, but you put him out there and he’ll dominate the game. Well, Mike Vick killed the Allen Iverson of dogs… Five to Eight Times.
Next In LINE: Badass to the Extreme!
Eric Steinbach arrested for Drunken Boating on the Ohio River