Jay Triano’s Raptors Suck 8 – 10 Miles of Cock

The Toronto Raptors have  been beating worse teams, and losing to better teams.  This is an improvement over Sam Mitchell’s philosophy of competing against good teams, and then getting blown out by bad teams.

Brian Colangelo, promoted Triano knowing the Toronto media would give him an extended shot, because he’s Canadian.  We love our own, and if they get a shot at the big time we’ll support them — even if they are really fucking bad.

I Supported Jesse Palmer in Florida, New York, and on the hit tv show, The Bachelor. I cheered when the cameras dimmed and Jesse was more than likely getting a sloppy bj.

Unfortunately, the Raptors defense is awful. Through a few games, it looks like Mitchell and Triano have the same defensive philosophy: “Collapse on the ball, and then forget to rotate”
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Be Like Mike: An Open Letter To Mr. Dunleavy.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.
C/O Indianapolis Pacers
125 S. Pennsylvania Street
Indianapolis, IN 46204
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Sam Mitchell of the Toronto Raptors: Best Coach, or Bestest Coach?

Sam Mitchell: Best Coach, or Bestest Coach?

Why is Sam Mitchell so goddamn awful? Every day this man must wake up and think to himself “HOW AM I GUNNA FUCK UP GAME TONITE, TURKEY SALAD IS DELICIOUS — I’M AGAINST CRUELTY TO TURKEYS. BONANZA!!! BONANZA!”

Coaching in the NBA is ridiculous, and the Coach of the Year Award is even more ridiculous.  I’m not sure whether its easier to take a team filled with great players to the finals, or take a mediocre team to the playoffs. Either way, you get to wearing a suit every night! The NBA is 90% talent, and 10% how you use that talent.

A Coach is responsible for a couple things:

1. SET THE ROTATION
2. CALL A TIME OUT WHEN YOU’RE GETTING AN UNLUBRICATED ASS RAPING BY A GORILLA. A Silver back gorilla to be specific.

Why time outs in basketball change everything blows my mind.  It seems like the good coaches use them to have a quick talk to their boys, and give them a few seconds of air.  Sam Mitchell, refuses to believe in the Time Out = GOOD.

A Team will go on a 20 point run before Sam Mitchell calls a time out, and when he does call a time  out, all he does is holler at his players.  Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon just look like their listening to Rainman giving  a lecture about the negative stigma associated with horse fucking.

I’m not sure if a single player on this team respects Sam Mitchell enough  to actually listen.  While watching a game, i figure its just best to assume Sam Mitchell is the John Madden of Basketball.

Sam Mitchell: “Jose, you’ve got to be a distributor”

Jose Calderon: “Sam, We’re on Defense. There’s 4 seconds left and we’re up by 3. You Sure?”

Sam Mitchell: “Jose, I played basketball I know what i’m doing. Assists are the KEY”

Chris Bosh: “Sam, Bring me out high against Howard.  O’Neal will dominate down low, and I can hit the 12-18 footer in my sleep”

Sam  Mitchell: “Chris, you’re our leading scoring.  You’ve got to be close  to the basket to put the ball in the basket. Scoring is about  putting the BALL in the BASKET”

Chris Bosh: “You sure Boss?”

Sam Mitchell: “What did i tell you about fucking horses Chris….”

White Wash The Court: White(ish) Players In Fantasy Basketball

Fantasy Basketball was just barely nudged out by Fantasy Golf as the worst fantasy sport ever.  It’s somewhere in the range of Fantasy Nascar: Busch Series. If you dont get LeBron, Amare, Kobe, or Chris Paul in the draft, your season is essentially over.

So why not white-wash the court.  It happens in college from time and it’s an event that should be celebrated for all of its glory. Its akin to a white player being described as “athletic” during March Madness (Chase Budinger, I’m looking at you).

THIS MAY BE THE YEAR:

This might just be the year that white washing your team is feasable.  There’s been other years where you could compete with the big boys, but never take home the league.  This year though, you’ve got a shot.

10 Team League, 8 Standard Categories and You’ve got the 5th or 6th Overall Pick!

Round 1: Dirk Nowitzki (6th Overall Pick) (ADP in Yahoo: 6th)

Round 2: Steve Nash ( 15th Overall Pick) (ADP in Yahoo: 17th)

Round 3: Jose Calderon (26th Overall Pick) (ADP in Yahoo: 28th)

Round 4: Hedo Turkoglu (35th Overall Pick)  (ADP in Yahoo: 45.7th)

Round 5: Memhet Okur (46th overall) (ADP in Yahoo: 50th)

Round 6: Andris Biedrins (54th overall) (ADP in Yahoo: 57th)

Round 7: Andre Kirilenko (65th overall)  (ADP in Yahoo: 69th)

Round 8: David Lee (74th overall) (ADP in Yahoo: 74th)

Round 9:  Troy Murphy (85th overall) (ADP in Yahoo: 86th)

Round 10: Kevin Love (94th overall) (ADP in Yahoo: 97th)

Round 11: Rudy Fernandez (105th overall) (ADP in Yahoo: 154)

And the Starting Lineup is:

PG: Nash

SG: Hedo Turkoglu

G: Calderon

SF Andre Kirilenko

PF Mehmet Okur

F Dirk Nowitzki

C Andris Biedrins

UTIL Troy Murphy

UTIL David Lee

BENCH: Kevin Love

BENCH: Rudy Fernandez

Player Name	FG Percent	3Pt Made	FT Percent	Assists	Pts	Rebounds	Steals	Blocks
Nowitzki	48%	1	90	3.5	Pts	8.6	.7	.9
Nash	51%	2.2	90	11	17	3.5	.7	.1
Calderon	52%	2	90	9	15	4	1	.1
Turkoglu	44%	2	83	5	18	5.7	1	.3
Okur	45%	1.6	80	2	15	8	.8	.4
Biedrins	58%	0	62	1	15	12	.8	1.6
Kirilenko	50%	.6	79	4	13	6	2	1.5
Lee	55%	0	80	2.5	10	8	1	.4
Murphy	45%	2	75	3	12	10	1	.6
Love	45%	.3	90	1.5	12	6	.5	1.5
Fernandez	46%	2	90	4	14	4	1	0