Pacman Jones Is Movin’ On Up.
It appears as though Pacman Jones smartened up while on suspension from the Tennessee Titans. He finally realized that rich people do not need to shoot people. Rich people order hits, and thats exactly what Pacman allegedy totes did.
John Barr from ESPN’s least entertaining show broke the story, apparently.
Unfortunately, the Dallas Cowboys ended up releasing Pacman — LAME.
Pacman’s new found intelligence jumped out and smacked a bitch when confronted with these allegations:
It will be a lawsuit in a week against ESPN. That’s stupid. It’s so stupid I have no more comments. Surprised? Yeah, I was surprised, All I can do is keep working hard, keep my nose clean and hope for the best.
A lovely snippet from the ESPN article, showing that it’s always snitches and bitches that cause a playah problems:
The June 2007 shooting occurred outside a suburban Atlanta strip club. One of the shooting victims told “Outside the Lines” that he had a dispute with Jones inside the strip club and that not long after he and the two others left the club, a hail of bullets struck their car. The NFL knew about that incident, but charges were never brought against anyone because the victims did not see the shooter.
“Outside the Lines” obtained information that police, investigating a separate Atlanta-area case, had been told by an informant that Jones ordered the June 2007 shooting following his dispute with one of the men. Police have said that while the case remains open, they are not actively investigating.
NFL Superstar: Choose Your Own Adventure
Kareem McKenzie’s recent arrest showcases just how tough it is to be an NFL player. You think you could do better? Choose your path as an NFL Superstar!
You awake from your slumber, and fix yourself a delicious calorie packed breakfast and wash it down with a high-yield protein powder and yogurt smoothie. After flipping through your daily subscription to the Wall Street Journal, you commence your daily routine. First, a stop at the stadium to work out and meet up with the guys. Your body is a temple, and a chiseled physique will keep the endorsement dollars rolling in.
The time roles by, and the day becomes the night. You’ve worked hard all day, and now its time for play. Your agent encourages you getting out there in the public eye, as it increases your income flow. You’re portfolio is under performing, so you figure “why the hell not?”
When you step out of the house you grab:
Makes sense, anything could happen. You get to the club, and it’s one hell of a time. A few fans ask for autographs, and while you’re pissed that people don’t respect your space — it’s all good. You remember what your agent said about being sociable and buy them a drink – cha ching – that’s the sound of money in your bank as you’ve just become the face of the franchise.
Its understandable, everyone needs to relax. On your way to the club, you’re obeying all of the street signals and lights. There’s no way in hell you’re going to get busted with pot, you’ve got too much to lose. Then you see the familiar shine of red and white lights reflecting off your rear view mirror.
-
Get out and boot it! You’re an NFL player, dammit. You can outrun these donut eating pigs.
- You light it up! You can smoke all this shit before the 5-0 gets to your car
You’re now a true NFL superstar. You buy a round for the house! You’re one charitable son of a bitch. Roger Goodell would be proud to see you giving back to the community like this. You and your buddies are supporting the local economy by drinking champagne off strippers asses. You’re a smart man who believes that the economy is based on the trickle-up effect rather than the trickle-down effect. Some of your buddies call you a socialist, but you’re the one with the college degree.
Its 3 AM and only good things can happen now:
- Congratulations, you just spit in a womans face and drink. Good Job, Larry Johnson
- Congratulations, you got Rowdy Rowdy. Good Job, Fred Taylor
- Congratulations, you just got charged with involuntary manslaughter. Good Job, Charles Grant
- Congratulations, you just got nailed with disorderly conduct. Good Job, Kenton Keith
- Congratulations, you just bitch slapped a woman. Good Job, Rocky Bernard
- Congratulations, you just slammed a pole over the bouncer’s head. Good Job, Bryant McKinnie
- Congratulations, you just got arrested in IOWA! Good Job, Matt Roth
- Congratulations, you just got charged with 2nd Degree Assault. Good Job, Gerome Sapp.
- Congratulations, you just broke a Cop’s eyeglasses while resisting arrest. Good Job, Anthony Hargrove
- Congratulations, you just made it rain. Good Job, Adam Pacman Jones
- Congratulations, you just ended your career. Good Job, Mike Mason
- Congratulations, you just smacked a woman upside the head. Good Job, Justin Miller
- Congratulations, you just fought a club’s security team. Good Job, Cedric Griffin
- Congratulations, you just busted someone’s face up. Good Job, Deshea Townsend
- Congratulations, you just scored a fifth degree assault. Good Job, Travis Taylor
You head home only to hear your back door slamming shut. Your live-in girlfriend comes scampering out to the hallway wearing only towel. You politely ask her what is going on, but she stumbles to find an answer.
The situation escalates, and you’re filled with anger. You pull out your 9mm and direct it towards the forehead of that cheating hoe. Unfortunately she calls the police, and you’re arrested.
Congratulations, you’re Patriots DB Willie Andrews
Motley Crue’s GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS comes on and those strip club honeys start dancing and shaking their asses Aphrodite styles, all up in your face. What a wonderful way to relax: a cold beer, some fine ass honeys and all of your friends.
Time flies by and it’s time to peace, but the testosterone has taken hold of you. You’re a beast! You’re 300lbs of Man! You see one of the strippers outside and proposition her, but she refuses. She must not know how famous you are, so you let your gun do the talking.
Congratulations You’re Carolina OL Jeremy Bridges.
The Police officer steps up to your car and sees the marijuana just sitting there. Why didn’t you at least put it in the glove compartment? How did you forget to hide this shit? Did you really think the officer would think that they were just Cigars? You give the officer due respect and get off with just a stern warning.
Congratulations you’re Steelers WR Santonio Holmes
You’re pulling away! Man, you’re fast. What was your 40 time again? Oh shit. You left the 1.875 grams of Marijuana in your car.
Congratulations you’re the Browns Kenny Wright
You hastily spark up your stash. Breathe in, Breathe out. You’re a 300lb man, you can smoke this shit before the Po-Po gets to your door. One more toke, you’re almost there. You’re stoned as all hell but the stash is gone. Unfortunately the officer has two functioning nostrils, and our out of luck.
Congratulations, You’re Mike Patterson of the Philadelphia Eagles
How Roger Goodell spent Pacman Jones’ Salary.
As part of the new NFL personal conduct policy, Jerry Jones has to make it rain in the NFL League Offices instead of paying Adam “Pacman” Jones his salary.
Goodell can force the team to pay up to 50 percent of the players game day cheque, up to a maximum of $500,000. With this being Pacman’s second serious offense, the cap is lowered to $200,000.
With Pacman making about $20,558 a game and Jerry Jones figuring he’ll have to fork over about 40 percent of that, this means Roger is raking in six weeks worth of $8223.20 or about 50K.
So How is Roger going to spend dat bling?
- Snorting cocaine off strippers asses at the Brass Rail in Toronto with Ted Rogers seems like a fairly solid foundation. He did bring regular season football to Canada after all. That’ll probably set him back 8 or 9 grand, but I expect Ted to at least cover his share — so Roger Goodell’s got about 45K Left.
- Pay people to binge drink in front of Jared Allen’s house. Drinking problems are funny, especially when you’re a high motor kind of guy. 41k Left.
- Increase the push for African American Coaches, and Affirmative action in the NFL coaching ranks. With Romeo Cornell, Marvin Lewis, and Mike Singletary almost certainly out of a job due to sheer suckiness, and Tony Dungy eventually retiring, good old Roger is left with only Tomlin and Herm Edwards are guarentees for next year. Lovie Smith is too likeable and after the Bears fail to make the playoffs he’s out too. 30k left
- Start investing the cost of an NFL funded replay system that isn’t reliant on the network tv cameras. 0 Dollars left. Appear on ESPN non-stop for the next week emphasizing how distant the NFL is from sports betting and how betting will never influence his decisions as commisioner. 0 Dollars left.