Toronto Raptors Fire Sam Mitchell: The End of Horse Fucking

Unfortunately, The Toronto Raptors fired Sam Mitchell after an embarassing loss to Denver last night.

I was eagerly awaiting their bounce back game, to see if they really wanted to play for Sam but that doesn’t appear likely.

HUMOUR:

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Sam Mitchell Frustrated With Soft Team & Softer Erections.

Over the summer Mr. Sam Mitchell decided to become a new man, a soft man. A pussy assed bitch, of a man.

“I made a vow, a promise to the players and myself that I’m not using any profanity this year, I’ve been two months and I haven’t slipped,” he said. “I really believe people in general appreciate someone who’s always trying to get better. I just think if you become a better person, you become better at your job. I just really believe that.” (Toronto Star)

Sam Mitchell has indeed went soft, very soft. After scouring the INTERNET for proof, i found what i can only assume to be a Sam Mitchell post on the popular health website www.steadyhealth.com.

Posting as  “rydawn911111″ it appears as though Sam has some issues with his erection:

“hi… I have been masturbating since i was 13. i usually masturbate once a day. I used to have a good stiff erection but recently my erections have become soft. I recently found a masseger in my house and started using that and started masturbating more and more. Is my soft erections due to just masturbating to much and will get more stiff after i stop for awhile o do i have a long-term problem that needs to be treated?”

Mr. Mitchell may I recommend:

1. Arginine - Alleviates male infertility, improving sperm production and motility. Increases circulation throughout the body, including the sex organs.
2. Yohimbe – Magical sexual cure for all your erection woes
3. Horny Goat Weed -  a semi-synthetic derivative of the active compound in Epimedium brevicornum, an ancient Chinese herbal remedy for impotence, performed as well as Viagra but with the potential for fewer side effects, the researchers say. (Vancouver Sun)
4. 36 Hour Cialis – Works in about 30 minutes, and last 36 hours! 66 % of men prefer Cialis to Viagra.

The Choice is yours, Sam. I’d recommend bringing back the swear but if you wanna go the herbal penis medication route, please do so.  The team will follow your lead, and if you’re soft they’re going to be three times as soft — they are European, and all.

PS: Please get Jermaine O’Neal Healthy.

Sam Mitchell of the Toronto Raptors: Best Coach, or Bestest Coach?

Sam Mitchell: Best Coach, or Bestest Coach?

Why is Sam Mitchell so goddamn awful? Every day this man must wake up and think to himself “HOW AM I GUNNA FUCK UP GAME TONITE, TURKEY SALAD IS DELICIOUS — I’M AGAINST CRUELTY TO TURKEYS. BONANZA!!! BONANZA!”

Coaching in the NBA is ridiculous, and the Coach of the Year Award is even more ridiculous.  I’m not sure whether its easier to take a team filled with great players to the finals, or take a mediocre team to the playoffs. Either way, you get to wearing a suit every night! The NBA is 90% talent, and 10% how you use that talent.

A Coach is responsible for a couple things:

1. SET THE ROTATION
2. CALL A TIME OUT WHEN YOU’RE GETTING AN UNLUBRICATED ASS RAPING BY A GORILLA. A Silver back gorilla to be specific.

Why time outs in basketball change everything blows my mind.  It seems like the good coaches use them to have a quick talk to their boys, and give them a few seconds of air.  Sam Mitchell, refuses to believe in the Time Out = GOOD.

A Team will go on a 20 point run before Sam Mitchell calls a time out, and when he does call a time  out, all he does is holler at his players.  Chris Bosh and Jose Calderon just look like their listening to Rainman giving  a lecture about the negative stigma associated with horse fucking.

I’m not sure if a single player on this team respects Sam Mitchell enough  to actually listen.  While watching a game, i figure its just best to assume Sam Mitchell is the John Madden of Basketball.

Sam Mitchell: “Jose, you’ve got to be a distributor”

Jose Calderon: “Sam, We’re on Defense. There’s 4 seconds left and we’re up by 3. You Sure?”

Sam Mitchell: “Jose, I played basketball I know what i’m doing. Assists are the KEY”

Chris Bosh: “Sam, Bring me out high against Howard.  O’Neal will dominate down low, and I can hit the 12-18 footer in my sleep”

Sam  Mitchell: “Chris, you’re our leading scoring.  You’ve got to be close  to the basket to put the ball in the basket. Scoring is about  putting the BALL in the BASKET”

Chris Bosh: “You sure Boss?”

Sam Mitchell: “What did i tell you about fucking horses Chris….”